The Refinery

You Have More Choice Than You Think

The wind blew across the dark, star speckled sky, moving the black sand in swirls and waves across the surface of the expansive dunes towards the dark mountains in the distance. It was a black and gray world, but it was one that Aidan had been living in for a time now, and he was not the only one. He knew of others, although he rarely conversed with them. In most cases, “The Trudge,” as it was called, was lived alone.

Life before the dunes was a vague presence in Aidan’s mind. There lived a faint image of a birthday cake on a warm summer day, his parents and friends gathered around a picnic table, all faces he could hardly recognize anymore. He shook his head and repressed those memories. What good would they do him here aside from cause more sadness? If Aidan looked at himself, he doubted he would recognize what he had become. The number of years he had been living in this wasteland had likely taken a toll on him, but there was no hope of escaping until death rid him of the ankle deep darkness that surrounded him.

The sand was heavy, threatening to swallow Aidan with every step he forced himself to take, weighing him down and causing every movement to require as much effort as he could muster. This place had seemed innocuous at first. His first few days were spent marveling at the stars above, seeing their beauty in the darkness, but oh how he longed for the sun. Though beauty could be found in this empty place, a single ray of sunshine would breathe life into his soul. He had no idea that this place he had brought himself so willingly, would cause such anguish. The journey to find himself and the promise of value found in darkness, both had failed to deliver elevated existence.

Aidan winced as he took another seemingly aimless step, the sand in his shoes continuing to rub his skin raw. The direction in which he moved had no purpose, he had a general sense of the direction in which he should go, but some time ago he had given up his attempts at moving that way and instead took the path of least resistance, which was no path at all. He hoped, one day, that his path would be made right again, that his arbitrary steps would once again carry meaning. 

What Aidan had forgotten was the significance of his steps even in the midst of this dark place. That, although it may have seemed meaningless and futile, his steps and the life he was living did indeed carry value.

To his left was a tall dune, gently reflecting the constant moonlight, causing the black sand to appear gray. He walked in the midst of a valley. To his right lie a gentle upward slope that ended at the bottom of a rocky cliff. In front of him walked another man, both of them shuffling more than lifting their feet. A sign of an experienced traveler. Through the darkness, Aidan could see a large snake slithering alongside them, as if checking on them. These and other animals were common occurrences in the world they lived in. Although their origin was unknown, since coming to this place, Aidan had seen these snakes appear several times, as had most others.

This time, however, the snake was more present than usual. Typically appearing a long distance from Aidan, this time, the snake was almost within reach, close enough he could hear the scales scrape and shimmy in the sand. As he took his steps, he could swear he saw the reptile look at him every now and then, as if making sure he was still moving in the direction that the snake desired for him. “That would be crazy, right?” He thought to himself. “It’s just a snake.”

Aidan kept moving, the stars above him painting the black sky like they had for the last few years: always flickering, the sun never giving them a break from their work.

As Aidan moved his eyes back and forth across the valley ahead, he realized that the valley did not end, instead it split in two directions. The left looked straight and clear, Aidan was able to see where it went as it continued between two dunes for a long distance. It appeared to be clear of debris and have thinner sand than he had been walking in, making it easier for him to travel.

The path to the right looked more uncertain. Although he could see the first one-hundred feet from his position, it wrapped sharply to the right, around the cliff he was walking underneath and out of sight. As he thought about his decision, he watched as the man in front of him drifted off to the left, continuing on the path Aidan was also leaning towards.

A quick thinking period and Aidan had resolved to do the same. It appeared to be safer. But, just as he made up his mind, something broke his concentration. From the other side of the cliff, a white flash interrupted the darkness, frightening Aidan, but also sparking curiosity. “That’s new.” he said out loud.

Out of the corner of his eye, the snake seemed to move closer to him.

As he approached his decision deadline, the light over the ridge grew brighter, and then slowly faded into the darkness. Approaching the fork in the road, he stood for a moment, pondering the direction in which he would go, the wind gently blowing across his face and ruffling his hair. In most cases, the decision did not matter, but new variables can create a different decision. 

The snake stopped with him, out of the corner of his eye, Aidan could see it watching him, its head hovering just above the sand, as if making sure the right decision would be made. Aidan looked ahead once more and observed the man who was ahead of him shuffle through the sand, continuing on in the aimless and neverending way of the trudge. But, as Aidan paused and contemplated the fork in the road, he decided he was tired of the same thing. A new path with flashing lights seemed interesting to him.

Choosing the rightward fork, Aidan headed down the path with an unknown outcome, though something in Aidan told him this was a significant choice. The snake followed him for a moment, growing closer to him until it simply halted, allowing Aidan to continue on without its presence, as if it could only go so far.

As he turned the corner to see the path that now lay ahead of him, Aidan jumped, his heart rate began to race. Just to the side of the valley sat a lion, positioned so that you could pass if you would like, but not without acknowledging its presence. With an alarming amount of eye contact, Aidan wondered where this animal had come from. As it stood, the lion was uncommonly witnessed, or so they said.

As he watched this animal, it watched Aidan, unwavering, his immediate fear slowly subsided as the animal did not move. There was no creeping towards him, no bearing of teeth. Instead its face was calm, every muscle seemed relaxed, causing Aidan to feel the same. Several moments passed before Aidan realized he had not moved. The normal trudge had been halted. The rest period, as small as it was, felt good. He could feel his hips start to loosen and his shoulders and abs do the same.

The urge to sit followed. Aidan resisted. Sitting out here meant that you would lose valuable time to keep moving. A surprise would break his thoughts up. 

“But where are you moving to?” Erupted a voice in his head. Aidan jumped once again and looked around. Aside from this lion in front of him, he was alone. The voice was smooth and articulate, just deep enough to feel it in his chest.

“Where…” He said aloud.

He looked at the lion, a slight smile appeared on its face. Was this animal talking to him somehow? Aidan thought for a second, realizing that the voice was right. Where was he going that was different than where he had been? Maybe a quick rest was not the worst thing in the world. Trudging towards the hill, he kept his eyes on the lion and let himself down into the hillside, a safe distance from the creature. As he sat, he could feel his lower back release, his hamstrings and quads also letting up.

He let out a sigh of relief, closing his eyes and letting his body decompress. “That feels good.” He thought out loud. Realizing his lapse, he quickly opened his eyes to see the lion had not moved a muscle, but instead remained still in the sand, continuing to watch Aidan. Aidan kept his eyes on the big cat. Gone was his fear, instead it had been replaced by curiosity. 

Staring, up close, at the elegant creature, he could see its paws floating on the surface, the nails on its toes digging into the sand. Its legs were stout and muscular, revealing a few scars through the seemingly paper-thin skin. Its body was muscular also having several scars across its side and back, as if it had been caught in several altercations. Its mane was thick and wavy, yet it appeared soft. The moon above glistened white off the reddish-brown fur.

Having not moved, Aidan was able to get a good look at its face. Aside from one scar above his left eye, its face had the appearance of majesty. The eyes glowed with peace and comfort in the darkness, the mouth was one that promised control, the muscles not flinching underneath the skin. Its head was cocked to the side as he watched Aidan. 

Taking his eyes off the animal for a second to rub his face, he looked back to see the lion had not moved. Instead it stood resolute. Time passed slowly as Aidan rested in the sand, feeling it begin to fill little areas of his clothing as he sunk down deeper. The sand was always deeper than you thought. There were times when Aidan would lay down for a while and sink so that he was almost completely buried. Those moments he would wake up in a panic, struggling to pull himself out of the sand and breathe.

This was different to Aidan. Something about sleep sounded safely appealing. The lion next to him, though initially terrifying, brought him a feeling of comfort he had not ever felt. Though it could overpower him, it had not yet done so, instead he seemed to bring stability through strength. “This is a weird experience.” Aidan whispered. And for the first time, he realized that the animals in the place, maybe they were not just animals after all.

The lion seemed to smile in reply.

Thinking for a second, Aidan’s eyes became heavy. He fought sleep, understanding that dozing off next to this enormous cat would be a foolish thing to do, but he was unable to fight off the need for rest. Losing his will to remain awake and deciding this animal was safe enough for rest, he tipped over with exhaustion into the sand and was overcome with the blackness of sleep, the thoughts of sinking into the sand and the threat of this lion both afterthoughts as he drifted off.

Time passes in unknown quantities as you sleep, but he was startled awake to grunts and a swishing across the sand mixed in with the occasional thud. His eyes fluttered open and he expected to be covered in sand. Instead, a blanket lay as a barrier between him and the coarse grains he had been in when he dozed off. 

He rubbed his face, trying to wake up. He combed the sand with his eyes, and realized the lion was not in the place where Aidan had left him. Sitting up, he looked around frantically, worried he had left himself defenseless for too long. 

He followed the paw prints to see the beast with something in its mouth walking back in the direction Aidan had come from: around the corner where Aidan had first approached, the lion was gripping a snake in its jaws. “What happened?” he wondered out loud. He knew that question may not get answered. He could see a mess in the sand, as if a fight had taken place that he had been mostly unaware of.

He watched as the lion disappeared around the corner, the tail of a snake dragging alongside it. Looking down at the blanket underneath him, he marveled at the array of colors in the fabric. Though the moonlight washed out much of it, the color was vibrant and saturated. Aidan had forgotten about color. For so long, he had been walking through this black desert, everything had become dark to him. Color was an afterthought if a consideration at all.

He closed his eyes, not to sleep, but instead to remember. Green grass on a summer’s night shining golden-green as the sun fell in the sky. Deep green. The beach in the morning, the sun lighting everything up pink and red as it arrived in the sky after night faded away. Aidan opened his eyes to see the lion standing in front of him once more. Aidan wiped a small tear from his nose. Something as simple as the blanket he rested on had brought back something he had lost.

“Thank you.” Said Aidan, overwhelmed with nostalgia, acknowledging his mistake in coming to this place. Though for many it was unavoidable, for Aidan, he chose to come to this dune covered place willingly. And now, he may never leave.

The lion looked at him questioningly. Aidan was sure he was mirroring what this lion was somehow displaying. They locked eyes for what seemed like several minutes. “What?” Asked Aidan. Now feeling a heaviness come upon him.

The lion looked at him for another moment and then, once more, the voice interrupted his mind, “Would you like to leave.” Its smooth tenor was music to Aidan’s ears.

“What?” This time the word was used less for accusation and more to express confusion.

The lion said nothing, but instead looked at Aidan with care and questioning. The question had begun lifting a burden from Aidan’s shoulders.

Aidan replied with the obvious answer, “Yes. But how? There is no way out.”

The lion just shook its head. Walking to the side of the hill next to where Aidan was still lying on the blanket. As Aidan watched, the Lion nudged the sand with its nose. Before his eyes, the sand sunk into the hill, as if a portal opened slowly in the bedrock.

With wonder, Aidan watched as the black sand revealed a different image, like a realistic painting to somewhere familiar. It was his apartment. The one he had lived in before coming to this place. He could see the wooden furniture and fireplace mantle, the sun shining through the window glistening off of the piano in the corner and the books on the book shelf against the wall, the hard wood floors reflecting the light around the room. Memories flooded back. Nights where laughter would flow, where cheering would erupt, and friends would gather to enjoy it all. He remembered the life he led before falling into darkness: enjoying a meal by the fire with his wife, watching the snow fall on a December day, waking up to the smell of bacon and pancakes in the morning. He looked down, realizing the difficulty and pain he now experienced as it had been lost. In his search for himself in the darkness, those things had faded into the past, relegated to the remains of a memory.

But now, he desperately wanted to return. The picture brought longing with its presence. “How do I go back? I’ve wasted so much time” Mourned Aidan, now seeing that the false beauty of the place he was in had deceived him, failing to deliver on its promise of self-realization.

“Let me lead.” Encouraged the voice.

Aidan thought for a second, doubting the choice he was about to make. Then, surprising himself with tenacity, he stood up, feeling the blanket sink slightly in the sand as he pressed himself up. He looked once more at the lion patiently waiting for him to decide. Finally and with care, Aidan took his final steps in the black sand, the last of which left sand and landed on wood. The creature behind him followed him in, its paws now soft on the flooring.

As he stepped through, the world flashed white, and he recognized something. The flash he had seen earlier. Someone must have made the same decision just before he walked around that corner. He stood on the hardwood, looking behind him to see the rolling black dunes, then brought his eyes forward again, seeing his couch resting on the floor in front of him, his clean kitchen off to the right. 

He turned to see the lion standing next to him on the hardwood. “How long was I gone?” Asked Aidan.

“You never left.” Encouraged the voice.

And with that, the lion stepped back into the darkness and sand filled the stitch in space once more, revealing a green wall. Through the haze, Aidan could see a new pair of trudging feet make their way around the cliff he had just left behind. As the final grain found its place, Aidan blinked and was startled awake. His eyes flew open as he realized he was laying on the couch he had just been standing behind.

“Wha-?” He exclaimed.

Clinking rattled in the kitchen sink. He reached down to feel his body. What had just happened? He looked to the right. It looked exactly as it had when he stepped through that portal. How did he get here? 

Aidan jumped up from the couch. Catching himself as he stood. His feet were asleep from being propped up on the armrest. 

“Woah, are you ok?” Echoed a woman’s voice from the kitchen.

Aidan looked in her direction. Short brown hair, small frame, big brown eyes. He knew her immediately. “Jess!” He ran over to her, his feet clomping on the hardwoods, and gave her a big hug.

“Woah there. What’s going on? You ok?”

Aidan laughed. “I’m great.”

Jess flashed him a confused smile. As she watched his face, as if trying to figure out what was going on, he saw realization flash across her face. “Wait, you actually are ok.” Her confusion grew into joy as she saw a change in her husband’s mannerism.

The past year had been a tough one on their relationship. But here she was, hoping, praying for a transformation in her husband. And now her hope had been realized. New life had been breathed into Aidan. In dramatic fashion, he ran to the window to see a wide open field out front, the surrounding oak trees blowing in the wind, the green leaves flashing white as they moved. Aidan cracked open the window to feel the warm air on his face. 

It smelled sweet and carried weight, unlike the empty air he had breathed for what had seemed like years. Life during the trudge had passed by quickly, though in reality, a year had been wasted. As he looked outside, he felt regret overtake him. The time he had lost in his depression now haunted him. The time he had willingly given up, the relational troubles his marriage had suffered, it had all been for naught. He looked down at the window sill, feeling that sadness creep back in before the voice interrupted his thoughts.

“That time may be gone, but I can do more with what you have now than you could have ever done with that time on your own. Welcome back Aidan. Now follow me.” It was the voice. Maybe it had not all been a false reality. He looked back up towards the sky, feeling that sadness become replaced by renewed strength. A warmth overtook his body as he let the voice wash over him.

“Ok.” He muttered to himself with a sigh of relief. The blue sky was illuminated by the sun. He let it soak into his skin, feeling a warmth he had not felt for a long time and realized that the life he had, though much of it wasted, still carried value. 

With a smile on his face he had subconsciously produced, he turned around to see his wife giving him a strange look from in front of the sink. “I love you.” he said.

She only smiled in return, but Aidan knew what she meant.